Updated: Oct 6, 2020
I am at a very bewildering stage now in my journey of trying to uncover who I really am. I think I am at a point of radical humility. Constantly watching myself as if I am a stranger. Trying to witness who I am, it is difficult to describe. With this, I pick up habits, daydreams, and momentary bliss followed by the frustration of my ignorance. It is exciting and draining. The realiSation that so many issues causing us to feel so stressed lies within the fact we are dividing ourselves and separating our experiences from who we are as a person. Putting labels on ourselves by saying you know - 'I'm straight', 'I'm a Buddhist', 'I'm a Catholic'. But that shouldn't define who we are. That's missing the point of who you are. You are your conscious being that existed before you had any of the experiences or any of the beliefs that you have now. Before anything changed the way you thought. You might say 'I'm not the same person that I was when you knew me, and I've changed because this has happened to me, and this has happened to me' but the key point is that they're all happening to you and that you are still the same person that you were.
You're a conscious being and I think that the disconnection that we feel from our consciousness is what is making everyone so depressed these days and feel so alone and looking for more. Whatever you are looking for you will not find it externally and this has been one of the hardest things for me to come to terms with. The acknowledgement that everything around me is not a coincidence and like anything, it all started as someone's thought once. Manifestation.
I'm starting to see life as a guru itself - teaching me through tests. So far I don't think I am scoring too bad and certainly, I am feeling the reward from this.
Very recently I have noticed myself letting go of conditioning. I no longer act how I feel would suit those around me, this is my biggest achievement so far. Watching the confusion and accepting that this makes others uncomfortable. When you can speak so freely and confidently about what you believe, whilst those around you are still conditioned into second-guessing what they really want to say, it is a great feeling of accomplishment. I am trying to help those around me reach this, but I think the only person who can convince you is yourself (from my experience). I am so comfortable now that I find myself talking to the pragmatic engineers I work with about manifestation, feeling connected. And though they like to take things how they see them, they are interested. Asking questions, nodding when they don't know what else to say. Sharing my thoughts and not being embarrassed about all the wishy-washy thoughts I like to think gives me a sense of purpose and freedom in an otherwise restricted life.
Now I am at a point of acceptance, and I feel incredibly happy all the time. I notice people complimenting my awareness as if it is something so hard and incomprehensible and I just wish I could shake everyone (who deserves it) and prove to them how easy it is, but it took me a lot to get here. I think the fact I even had to search within myself for happiness is proof of the instability of everything external to me. I couldn't rely on anything but myself so perhaps those who are ignorant of how much power there is within yourself are lucky in that sense. They don't feel the need to try and look anywhere other than the external world for happiness, and for that, they should be grateful. I don't wish to have had any other life but I know the experiences I've endured are heavy, which makes every day of happiness so much more rewarding.